6/13/08

OUCH!

There is only ONE thing in this entire world that truly terrifies me. It's a spider! Those eight legged, thousand eyed, fanged, hairy bodied freaks of nature truly make my skin crawl. When I was a child my Dad would have to kill them if I saw them within 100 yards or I would not budge.

Once, I was outside playing and I saw a spider. I jumped on the porch, onto the metal porch rocker and was screaming for my mother to save me as the spider was quickly crawling up the side of the porch intent on having me for lunch. I was leaning over the rail of the rocker to keep an eye on the evil creature when suddenly the rocker tilted and tossed me off the porch right onto the horrid creature. I think I lost my voice from screaming - neighbors were running to my aide - my mom was trying to shut me up - my brother was laughing and suddenly I realized that blood was gushing from my forehead! The spider had sliced my head open-it figures. Actually, I apparently bounced off the edge of the porch on my way down. Those were the first of many stitches in my poor head - no wonder I think backwards.

Another time, I was going to the barn to feed the pee wee calves early in the morning. Nurturing young farm creatures was and still is one of the most joyful experiences of my days when they are offered to me. It was dark and I was just a 'skipping to the barn with four full bottles in my hand. I opened the stall door which was one of those half doors and greeted the four tiny calves who were already butting me and one another to be first in line. I took a few steps through the doorway and walked through what must have been the most horrificially designed web by the most gigantic spider in the universe. She was one of the gray and yellow monsters - evil in her eyes - redhead in her breakfast request. The sensation of the web choking me and covering my entire face was horrifying enough. As I tried to keep from dropping the bottles, I felt her crawling in my hair. I fainted! That's all I could do. When I woke up the calves had managed to get the lids off the bottles or I had dropped them or something and there was milk and calve slobber all over me as they were attempting to lick it. I ran back to the house, calves in hot pursuit screaming for my Daddy. Of course, he already knew it was a spider - my spider scream had become pretty unique by then. His concern were those loose calves and he proceeded to make me GO BACK to the barn- calves still in hot pursuit, retrieve the bottles and remix them and feed those babies! I was convinced at that point that yes - Daddy was evil! He saw nothing but humor in that experience.

Fast forward another 30 or so years to today! My rogue horse has once again torn down the electric fencing. This means we have to shut the front gate while she eats everything in our yard until I can get a new charger that will electrocute her if she tests it! So, this morning as I am opening the gate, I see this little tiny web. Awww - it's actually cute. That little guy was quite ambitious. I remove the chain and BAM! that little guy nails me on the thumb. It hurt like the dickens and he suddenly looked three times my size!

I managed to get the gait shut - working through the pain - and get back into the car. I had two options: I could drive back to the house to say my final farewells to my husband requiring me to brave the gate once again, or I could attempt to make it to town before the poison overcame me. I opted for the latter. I began reciting my last will and testament in my head in between playing back memories of the better days in life (that didn't take long). I hoped, oh how I hoped, I could make it until I could find help. I made it! I got to the gas station. This left me facing another decision. Do I scream my "spider scream" introducing Brundidge to the most ear piercing fear inspiring sound to ever be heard or do I simply go into the local store before I am spent? Again, I opted for the latter. I entered into the store waiting for people to notice how pale and sickly I appeared. No one did. Could it be that I am always pale and weak looking? So, I selected a Diet Dew and some Cheezits to sooth my wounded spirit and I handed them to the cashier with my wounded ha....wait...N O T H I N G. Not even a freaking mark! No swelling, no awe inspiring inflamation, nothing...I will NEVER get credit for the trauma that I have endured this morning! No one will even KNOW I have been attacked. I am now tucking the will away for another day.

The good news is I have lived! The world will continue to be a better place for a while longer.

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